House Rules & Expectations

This is your home while you’re here. We want it to feel comfortable, relaxed, and safe for everyone. These rules exist because cats are sneaky, toddlers are feral, weather is real, and houses do not self-extinguish.

Taking Care of the House

  • Doors closed. Always. Cats like to escape. Until they’re outside. Then they’re sad. Or dinner for the coyote.

  • Garage door shut. There is a keypad. There is an app. Use them.

  • Keep the basement door and front door locked. They like to blow open.

  • Wash your linens and towels at least twice a month.

  • Let the house cleaner into your room twice a month. You choose the days.

  • Bring your laundry bag upstairs weekly so it comes back clean.

  • If you cook, you clean.

  • If you share dinner with us, help clean up the table afterward.
    Or leave me a tip for the excellent service. This is your home, not a restaurant.

  • Nothing flammable near the stove. Only pots and pans belong on the stove. Please do not catch my house on fire.

  • Turn off TVs when you leave the room. Pet peeve for both me and Randy.

  • If you’re listening to something on your phone, earbuds are required. I’m happy to buy you a set.

  • We are terrible about leaving lights on. Please be better than we are.

  • No sweet food or drinks in bedrooms. Mice and rats move in fast. Water, unsweet tea, sugar-free soda are fine.

  • Bring dishes up from your room regularly. I hoard cups on my desk. Don’t be me. We don’t own enough cups for that chaos.

  • If we’re low on food or drinks, text Randy or me.
    Do not tell us verbally. Text it. In writing. Otherwise it will be forgotten. I can also add you to my Walmart account.

  • Family meeting once a week (at first). We’ll try. Chaos sometimes wins.

  • You’re always welcome to join us unless it’s a date night. Then go find a partner and let’s double date later.

  • No curfew. Just be where you need to be when you need to be there.

  • Wear whatever you want. Tits and bits covered. Cats and toddlers untie tie-tops. It ends badly. Also, it’s cold here. Dress for the weather.

  • Do not dye your hair in my bathroom. Hair dye is the devil. I’ll send you to the beauty school.

  • Uncovered drinks belong to Mo.

  • Unattended food belongs to Mo. Especially chicken and cheese.

  • Beardie only eats cat food. Treats equal digestive disaster. Mess is on you. I will provide a respirator and flee.

  • If something breaks or gets damaged, tell me. Stuff happens.

  • Keep cats out of bathrooms. Beardie will play in water. The house will flood. I will be sad.

  • Let me know when you’re coming home or staying out.
    A 2am text is fine. Silence is not. I’m relaxed, but I’m still a mom.

Guests, Social Life & Going Out

You are welcome to have friends over.

Movie nights, dinners, board games, hanging out, low-key social time are all fine. We’re happy to be the hangout house.

What is not okay:

  • Large parties

  • Raves

  • DJs

  • Disco balls

  • Deck events that look like a festival

  • Anything that brings a crowd, neighbors, or noise complaints

Late is fine. I have friends who stay until 2am.

However: if you have friends over late and you wake the baby, that is on you. I am not getting him back to sleep. That becomes your problem to manage.

White noise exists for a reason. Use it.

Going Out (Very Honest Version)

You have no curfew.
Go out. Make friends your own age. Explore. Stay out all night if you want.

A few truths:

  • I am very chill.

  • I am also old old.

  • I am an excellent designated driver.

  • I am great at dealing with unwanted attention at bars after work hours.

  • I am not great at 3am Friday night party sessions anymore.

You should absolutely have your own social life and friends your own age. That is healthy and expected.

If you ever need a ride, a safe exit, or support, call or text me.
I do not care what time it is. I will come get you. No questions. No judgment.

Overnight guests are fine. Bedrooms are stacked. Sound travels. Be mindful.

Kid Rules (Orion Edition)

  • Car seat. Always. 50 feet or 50 states.

  • Choking hazards scare me. Please be careful, especially when he’s excited.

  • Orion is a runner. Leash him or run with him. Holding him makes him scream like he’s being abducted, but safety wins.

  • He can eat what he wants. We draw the line at moonshine. We try to avoid coffee.

  • Cats have claws. He’s learning. The cats teach faster.

  • Try to prevent climbing on non-climbable objects. Try.

  • Dress him for the weather.
    Frostbite can happen below ~20 depending on wind. Hypothermia below ~15. We still go outside. Dress appropriately.

  • Schedules are planned on a rolling two-week basis.
    If Orion is hospitalized, we may need you at the hospital roughly 8–5. We’ll be flexible, but we need reliable support.

  • We will not ask for overtime.
    We will not ask for non-kid chores.

  • Give as much notice as possible for time off. Avoid long breaks during finals or midterms if you can.

  • Half days are sometimes possible. Ask early.

  • Boundaries matter.
    Your room locks. We don’t enter unless invited. The cleaner comes a couple times a month. We text instead of knocking.

  • Our bedroom isn’t off limits, but knock if the door is closed.
    Unless you’re chasing Orion. Then… surprise.

  • We are direct people. Talk to us early. Silence creates problems. Talking fixes them.

Phone Use

  • While on duty, don’t be glued to your phone.
    I don’t expect you to stare at Orion like an angsty cat. I do expect reasonable supervision, interaction, and some enrichment. Some days are survival days. Keep it reasonable and safe.

  • No phone use while driving. Ever. Zero tolerance.

Social Media

  • Randy and I both have active social media presences.

  • Cute, happy photos of Orion are fine.

  • Hospital photos are okay, even if he’s in a diaper.

  • No nudity posted online and nothing future-Orion would reasonably hate.

  • If you’re unsure, ask. We answer clearly and quickly.

Address & Location

  • Uber can pick you up at the house.

  • You can receive mail here.

  • Be mindful about tagging our home location online, but you live here.

  • Do not walk two blocks in the snow for an Uber. That’s dumb and unsafe.

What We Trust You With

We are not micromanagers. These rules exist so we don’t have to hover.

  • We trust you with Orion’s safety and wellbeing.

  • We trust your judgment.

  • We trust you to manage your time.

  • We trust you to communicate honestly.

  • We trust you with our home.

  • We trust you to have a full life outside this house.

  • We trust you to use good judgment online.

  • We trust you to speak up about boundaries.

  • We trust you to grow into this role.

Trust works both ways. If something stops working, we talk about it.

Who Thrives Here (And Who Won’t)

You will thrive here if you:

  • Are flexible and calm when plans change

  • Can handle chaos without taking it personally

  • Like kids, cats, and real life

  • Communicate directly

  • Don’t need constant structure to function

  • Want the option to be part of a family

  • Appreciate a house that is generally quiet when the toddler is asleep

This is not a good fit if you:

  • Need rigid schedules at all times

  • Get overwhelmed by unpredictability

  • Prefer very formal households

  • Avoid direct conversations

  • Want a party house or built-in nightlife companions

Neither is wrong. This just isn’t that house.

A Day-to-Day Life in Our House

There is no “typical” day. There are patterns.

Mornings
Functional, not aesthetic. Chaos goblin energy. Coffee exists. Moonshine does not.

Daytime
Daycare days, adventure days, errand days, hospital days. Plans change. We communicate. Flexibility matters more than perfection.

Afternoons
Snack-heavy. Emotionally unpredictable. Outdoor time helps. Cats are everywhere.

Evenings
Calmer. Dinner together or not. No guilt either way. Bedtime is flexible.

Nights
No curfew. Go live your life. Just tell us if you’re not coming home.

Medical Reality

Both parents have medical needs. Most days it’s background noise. Some days it isn’t.

We plan redundancies. We do not expect you to fix medical chaos. We expect communication and honesty.

Important Legal Reality

  • The minimum drinking age here is 21.

  • Violating that can get you removed from the program.

  • Randy is a professor and a mandated reporter. Do not put him in that position.

  • I am more relaxed and we can talk boundaries once you’re settled, but legal lines are non-negotiable.

The Bottom Line

This house is:

  • Warm

  • Calm

  • Quiet (unless Orion is awake)

  • Honest

  • Safe

  • Flexible

It is not:

  • Rigid

  • Fancy

  • Loud

  • A party house

  • Perfection-oriented

If you need structure, we’ll give clarity.
If you need flexibility, we’ll make room.
If you need to talk, we listen.

We’re building a household, not running a checklist.